Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Two years passed by so fast.
It's funny how after reading this blog I feel like I have not changed much yet has been through so much all at the same time.
I miss friends who I can have long conversations with.
But now they seem to avoid me.
I guessed they have their own lives now and wish not to have me in it.
I really thought we were friends.
And no matter what I won't want to hurt them in any way.
I guess I just need a friend in someone.
But they might have seen it in way like what I know might destroy what they have.
If I was that mean I would have done it already and kept them all to myself.
I guess sometimes knowing too much is not good at all.
Why do you shun me this way?
I do not want you to ever forget me.
I continue to message you though you do not reply.
It hurts everytime I message you.
Cause I know you won't reply.
But I still hope one day you'd reply.
You don't have to say much.
A Hi would suffice.
On a lighter note.
I am living in the East now.
And it's cool.
I have a new mummy.
Who cooks for me wonderful dishes.
And listens to me and have late night ramblings.
I love my new mummy.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
It is amazing how a song can make you feel all emotional.
Especially when things are going right for you.
I guess in everyone of us there is always something we wished we had done.
A secret crush.
An apology.
A secret life we wished we are living.
And yet we can not bring ourselves to do it.
It is simply not us.
While others are outspoken.
Speaking words of nonsense.
Some words of hatred.
Some are simply, people who just let it be.
The ones who do not see the negative in everything.
Those who actually see a better way to go around a bad thing.
People are just people.
My song of the week.
Makes me think of the old days.
When I will stay up all night.
So many thoughts in my mind.
But I have my music of choice.
My pack of Greens.
In the dark.
With only the monitor highlighting my little corner of thought.
Simply simple.
I miss those nights.
And the beautiful images.
Of you.
Monday, January 14, 2008
2008
Too much has changed.
2 weeks.
2 dates.
1 fantastic movie.
0 weekends.
2 countries.
0 moves.
1 love.
0 tolerence for idiots.
0 forgiveness.
Talk.
You know I want you to be happy.
I will help you.
Message me when you are ready.
Love you.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I know it is late.
But really been very busy.
There really is not enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to.
Really.
Firstly.
Selamat Hari Raya.
Maaf Zahir Dan Batin.
Secondly.
My KL Trip was fun.
He had the most fun.
Got to smoke at the pool.
Drank at the hotel bar.
Played the hotel's piano.
Got a short clip of his dad being cute.
Went shopping till the shopping centre closes.
A first for him.
He is so happy.
Look at the pictures.
Fun.
Love.
Freedom.
All The Things We Need.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Pretty crazy people.
Pretty exciting trip ahead.
Pretty party food.
Pretty life as of now.
My Pretty Boy.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
I know it's been a really long time.
And I'm so sorry but life has been really fun.
Too many parties, tons of drinks, alot of people to meet.
So little time.
And I am going to watch Daughtry tonight.
Too bad my sis can't be here.
She would have been so happy.
I miss her.
Can't wait to have her back.
A certain someone's Birthday is coming real soon.
But he seems sad.
Maybe its the realisation that he is getting old.
And that he won't be having a party this year.
I'm so sorry I can't do much.
Maybe next year?
Whatever it is I hope you still am happy on that day.
You might get presents.
Love you babe.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Well yeah it happened so long ago.
But people sure don't forget about it.
What with all the references in posts that intellectually impaired people like me and my friends wouldn't get.
I mean smart people should actually know the difference between babbling and actual facts.
Unless some of the words actually hurt them.
Cause maybe there is some truth in it after all.
But oh how can silly little me ever find out if it's true.
I mean it was damn exciting talking about how boys generally think with their dicks.
And how girls can let the one they love fuck around but under one condition.
And kids please remember this.
If you want to fuck around.
Please.
Please wear a condom.
And when you decide to finally commit.
Didn't you just feel the warm fuzzy feeling of finally getting what you have been yearning for.
I mean it's like pay day.
You have money to buy that beautiful pair of heels that you want.
Nice isn't it?
I mean I can't really remember the last time I felt that.
I havn't worked in so long.
Does it still feel good?
Is the high still there?
I mean I love getting presents & surprises.
Is it a crime?
So since I'm so free and have nothing in my brains right now.
I mean I'm not like most people who like have to work and all.
But I was really surprise to get a response so fast.
It just shows how hard people really work at work.
Which something I really don't know anymore.
Anyway since I'm the only one who really voices out how they feel.
I feel real good right now.
I mean I havn't had so much fun in such a long time.
I mean you know how parties and hanging out with fun people can get so passé.
So I just had to piss someone just to make my day alittle more exciting.
I mean I can't go meet my friends over the weekend and have nothing to gossip about.
That would be a tragedy.
I can't not contribute to gossips.
I mean yeah I gave you a chance to toot your horn too, you know?
I'm sure your friends will think how cool it is that you are so multi talented.
Damn, I didn't even know you can make music out of bed.
Oh and please excuse me for using simple words.
I mean like you are kind of a genius right?
Creative Genius.
Yeah that's right.
I spelt it all right, right?
Oh well it doesn't really matter.
And WOW you are like a man.
I mean only boys like to fight right?
But WOW you can really protect yourself.
With all those talents you should really try for TV.
They are always looking for talents here in Singapore.
I mean you are the real thing you really have so much talent you shouldn't waste it.
I mean you are lucky.
You have someone who dresses up everyday and entertain kids.
That is a good sign by the way.
Men who love kids are good to have around.
He is still good in bed right?
The only reason I was involved was cause He asked me to take care of her.
But since like everyone is saying that it's all in the past.
Then maybe we should all just forget about it.
But I know it won't be any fun anymore if we stop.
I mean who else can I bitch about.
My life really is so boring.
But I really have to thank you for really giving me something to blog about.
You know, got to make up for all those empty days of not blogging.
Too much parties.
Too many mindless people just having around doing nothing.
I was really counting on you to reply with as much emotion as possible.
And you, Wow, Fooo... You deserve a BIG FAT A.
Thank you so much.
I had so much fun.
Oh and that little dark man.
You can keep him.
I mean I have so many people in my life that can entertain me.
And you can have him really.
Cause I was getting tired of his repeated conversations and actions.
So you know like that pair of beautiful heels that you bought and got a high from.
The one you got with your own money that you worked really hard for.
Once it's broken you can send it to the cobbler to get it fixed.
But eventually you gotta throw it away.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
It's amazing how people make themselves appear to be something they are not.
Guys may think that you are the helpless type.
But you clearly are not am I right?
Stop kidding everyone.
I mean you like to tell the world that you are some sex crazy person.
Please.
You are the lowest thing I have ever known.
I'm sure you are the type that will say & do ANYTHING just to get what you want.
I'm sure every guy wants a girlfriend like you.
You dare say you would have slapped me if I wasn't his GF?
It shows what kind of man you are.
Men who hit girls are all fuckers.
If you have a problem with me.
Deal with me and me alone.
Don't bring anyone else into this.
Now I know who you really stand with.
Anyway why do you always have to make it your problem when it's not?
It's between me and them.
Why do you always have to protect them.
When I heard what you said.
I wanted to hit you myself.
So mind your own business.
Slap me if you dare.
Now we have a problem.
Watch your tongue.
As expected I have ruffled some feathers.
Why do you have to ask him to tell me to stop?
This is my blog.
I can say whatever I want.
And don't give me the excuse that you want to stop all this from exploding into a war.
I am my own person.
I make my own decisions.
No one controls me.
I know you'd react like this.
So it's not a shock for me.
If you didn't like what I blogged.
Then think about what your friend blogged.
Is it fair?
I don't think so.
If she really is a friend to you, how come you never told him to stop?
Not everyone can be pushed around.
Not everyone tries to make the world seem better for them.
I say TOO BAD!!!
I know it happened a long time ago.
I really wanted to just let it pass.
But till now it bugs me.
So ATTENTION WORLD!!!
You called asking for her to stop yet you did the same thing you thought she did.
It is so very low of you.
I read it and I was furious.
How could you say such things.
And by the way, parts of glorifying your girl.
Sounds like she was twisting your arm as you typed those words.
You asked why I never liked her.
I blame both of you.
You both were too stupid to commit and ruined other lives.
You could have stopped if you really wanted her.
But you didn't.
You think with your dick.
I hate you.
I hate her.
And I know she don't fancy me either so it's even.
It would have stopped.
But you just had to post about it.
And I may not be the most credible person to say this.
For I had spent my days being confused and loving everyone who paid me attention.
But I thought you were a better person than me.
And I am trying to be a better person now.
Never thought you would ever do this.
I am disappointed.
You have sunk to an all time low.
Maybe it's the company you keep these days.
You made me promise to watch over her.
And I am keeping that promise.
So you stop all this nonsense.
And if you don't like it.
BITE ME!!!
Just something that you are very familiar with and like to hear right?
And while I'm at it.
You little man.
Never thought you'd say such things.
Yes it's true he knew the guys longer than me.
But if you havn't noticed already.
I have never stopped him from seeing anyone he wants to.
And besides just because we couldn't meet up with you.
Didn't mean we won't be there.
You are such a fool these days.
Wonder where you get all this from...
Wanting something but not willing to go through it all.
If you say you don't like to be a Roadie/Sound Tech guy.
Then don't be.
You say you don't want to Stay.
So what are you doing hanging around for?
Trying to make yourself feel better by being around and waiting to see if there is something to laugh about if they don't make it?
Make a decision.
And stick to it.
It seems everyone is a critic eh?
So what if you don't understand or like what I wrote.
I may not have lost someone I really love to death yet.
But death is a sad and scary thing for everyone.
I don't have to explain myself to you.
And too bad you think I make my life seems sad.
But you really are so wrong.
You must be one of those freaking sad lonely people who randomly goes to blogs and just leave bad comments.
Basicly you are just a sad little person.
Too bad for you.
I feel sad for you.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
As human beings we are always afraid of Death.
As compared to a birth which we have about 9months to expect.
Death comes whenever to whoever.
Though I may not have been close to the departed.
He sure had alot of people who thought the world of him.
He may have led a healthy life.
No vices whatsoever.
But we can never tell when it comes.
I may have been one of the most coldest person there.
Numb to the fact that it was a funeral.
A person has died.
But all I kept seeing was the little child dressed in lime green.
Oblivious to what it all means.
She was just happy playing with her shadow.
The way it followed every jump she made.
She is the life that he lost his own for.
She is the space that he made room for in this world.
It is a very sad thing.
Yet I see it as a way to make people realise that life is never to be taken advantage of.
As corny as it sounds.
We all must do everything to make ourselves happy.
It is our life for we only have this chance to really live it.
We will never know if he had things to say.
More things he would really like to do.
Like the Rock for Good event.
Though he may not be around to see it.
There will be others who will complete it.
For it is what he would have wanted.
But all I know about him was he was a good man.
He was part of The Suns.
And as you see the sun rising every morning.
Remember Wayne Thunder.
And the life he brings each day.
Labels: Wayne Thunder
Monday, May 21, 2007
1+1= 6
2+7= FOOD & FUN
6+9= LOVE
Lost in the east.
Funny, the destination was just the next lane.
Cooked with girlie.
She is my tastebuds for the day.
Boys are useful sometimes.
But not when it comes to blowing.
Water is fun.
Not just for kids.
Pool: be it made of concrete or plastic.
Every house should have one.
Chocolate hearts.
Melts everyone.
Blueberry hearts.
Goes slow and steady.
4 venues for all kinds of activities.
For all kinds of friends.
The perfect getaway.
Full of Love, Friends, Food, Fun, Laughter, Craziness & Endogenous Morphine.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Here's the rules
Cut and paste if you decide to participate in the tagging game. Each player of this game starts off by giving 6 weird things about themselves. People who get tagged need to write in a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rules clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. After you do that, leave them each a comment letting them know you tagged them and to read your blog.
6 weird things about me
1) I like my food to be arranged nicely on my plate before I eat it.
2) It annoys me to walk back from a bus stop to a destination that the bus I was in has already passed.
3) I must have good music when I cook to make the food taste better.
4) I don't like other people in the kitchen with me when I cook.
5) When I like a new song I will play it over & over to soak in the soul of the song.
6) When I have an event I will think of all the bad things that can happen and try finding solutions to them then I will be happy n finish planning it with a lighter heart & mind.
So, now i'm gonna tag :
1) Kylie
2) Aaron
3) Scat
4) Nana
5) Fana
6) Nasrul
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
I had a fantastic birthday this year.
Had a different look.
Spent it with dear friends.
And the cake was fantastic.
Luckily everyone was kind of broke so no one made me drink.
The presents was great.
Got Disney's Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers on DVD from my man.
Got an art file with charcoal & drawing pad.
Uber Cool!!!
I feel like I'm 8 instead of 22.
But of cause I love them.
Would not have traded them for anything else.
Salsa was very fun.
As expected the boys chickened out.
The girls were the most noisy students in the class.
Danced with so many guys.
Tall, Dark, Fair, Short, Young, Old.
One dance partner wished me a Happy Birthday and he was the best partner I had cause he was really patient with me.
At the end of it I only got my feet stepped on once.
And boy, did my calves hurt.
Thanks especially to Kylie who made it so special.
To Scat, Bob, Jon, Jerry, Ranjan, and the guy who kept sitting beside me @ Actor's.
LOVE YOU GUYS LOADS.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
I have never really been a big fan of my own birthday.
This year feels different.
I actually want a big thing.
But it's too late to organise one.
I'm actually just happy with what she has planned.
Salsa dancing & drinks after that.
My mum asked me last week where we should go to for my birthday dinner.
At that moment I really didn't care where.
But it seems like she was kind of sad to hear that I actually had plans.
It was almost heartbreaking.
I really wish that I was more comfortable around her.
But I'm not.
I wish I could just do what I have always wanted to do.
But I can't.
It just feels like it's not a birthday.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
The weekend was fantastic.
It was like an overseas holiday with friends.
Good food.
Good company.
Good drinks.
Great fun.
For alot of us it felt like we were not even in Singapore anymore.
It was the much needed break we all needed to unwind.
Unwind from the real world.
Even if it was just for 12-24 hours.
It was great fun.
I have always thought that Singapore really is such a material country.
Everyone wants to have everything bigger than the next person.
But eventhough the house was extraordinary.
All that matters was the company for that night.
Everybody shed their armour and for once we all really let our inner selves shine.
I saw her lose her cool in the kitchen.
It was adorable how she tried to not show the nervousness of how she is going to get eveything done in time.
Talking about how it didnt seem to turn out right.
It really is like that.
But things turned out fine.
We got to shower after all the hard work.
And chill for awhile before we went upstairs to bask in the night air.
Stars over our head.
Seeing planes take off to wonderful destinations.
It almost felt like a dream.
Wished it didnt have to end.
But there will be other experiences to fill our memory banks.
We should always treasure all the good times, with good people, satisfy our tongues with delicious food, tease our minds with alcohol and fill our hearts with as much good things as possible.
On behalf of everyone. We all truly enjoyed ourselves. Thank you for your hospitality. You made our days, weeks, and for some even months. Love you Babe.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Here I am at Phunk Bar.
Computer at home crashed.
What a waste of time to be home.
Mum was weird today.
She asked if I was serious about my boyfriend.
I'm sorry but I really think it's none of her business.
She is afraid for me.
Afraid that I might catch something from sleeping around.
I'm sorry but I'm not sleeping around.
As much as alot of you people think I'm out sleeping around alot.
You are all wrong.
When it comes to my relationship.
Or any relationship for that matter.
It really isn't for all those not in the relationship's concern.
Besides the parties involved.
I really don't think you should stick your fingers where it doesn't belong.
Sure I have listened to problems and the cute stuff that happens in my friends or family's relationship.
Sure I give advice but ultimately it's their work.
They can listen to your advices.
But in the end it's their decision, right?
So mum was telling me it's not good and what will people say.
When they find out that I stay over at my boyfriend's house on weekends.
But for now that's the only time we have to spend with each other.
He is in National Service.
Do you really want your lives decided on what people think of you.
For most parts of my school days.
The girls in school didn't fancy me much.
They called me a slut.
But do they really know me?
No.
And they didn't stop to ask.
To really find out.
I was branded a slut cause I was friends with most of the guys in school.
So does it really make me a slut?
I really don't think so.
I guess mum thinks that I'm getting old and wants me to get married soon.
I know I'm not getting any younger but come on.
Marriage?
You really don't think it solves anything do you?
I just got myself to be with a person right now.
I'm learning to trust another person.
Let's take baby steps.
Even if it means that I will only get married by the time I'm about to retire.
I really don't think it's what I want right now.
It really is a scary thing.
I mean I grew up seeing more harm done when couples get married.
Do you really think I want to sign my life away.
Not just yet.
Please give me a break.
I don't really want to think about it right now.
Stop scaring me.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Good morning.
I know it's really early.
9:50am
I havn't slept a wink since I woke up at 2pm yesterday.
Funny not sleepy.
Well not yet anyway.
Met 2 exs in the last 24 hours.
And witnessed a couple going through a rough patch.
Communication is key.
The problem with this world is no one really talks.
As in really say what they feel.
I know sometimes it's good to keep some opinions to yourself.
But if there is already a problem.
Then you should talk.
Say what really bugs you.
How it makes you feel.
And how you are going to solve it.
I'm not saying I'm an expert.
But after gone through alot of failed relationships.
And thanks to a conversation with an ex.
The biggest problem in all my failed relationships was that we didn't talk.
Talk, talk.
I always didn't want to hurt them.
Hurt them more when we were both already hurting.
And it was a bad thing.
As you can tell.
We failed.
I betrayed myself.
By trying to be the person that the person wants me to be.
I tried.
But in the end I was never happy and I ran.
I was a coward.
I ran away from the problem.
Not wanting to talk about it.
It become worse.
So I ran further.
And it became so easy to just run from one problem to another.
Yet the problem is the same.
It never went away.
Until one day the problem ran away from me.
It was at that point that I started to find myself.
Really getting to know myself better.
And I actually do like what I found out about myself.
I'm not that weak.
I don't need to have someone to make me feel complete.
I can survive being alone.
And that is when I can see myself from a different point of view.
I am woman, hear me roar.
Cheesy, I know.
But it works.
As I was saying.
Communication.
My ex has recently started reading my blog.
And he told me that he didnt know this side of me.
And I found the answer pretty quick actually.
I told him that is because he never asked me about myself.
I tried so hard to know what makes him tick.
And in the end I found out it was just a one sided relationship.
He took, I gave.
I wasn't happy.
I was thinking if we did talk then maybe things would have turned out differently.
But I am happy for the experience.
It has made me into a better person.
I'm now in a great relationship.
I'm not running.
Well not just yet anyway.
But we talk.
Even if we end up in tears.
We understand each other better.
We both learn from each other.
And if you both are committed to make it work.
We learn to compromise.
And try not to make the same mistakes again.
And that's when your heart will give a sigh of relief.
And you both carry on feeling better.
And that my friend is love.
Communication.
Commitment
Compromise.
Labels: communication
Sunday, February 11, 2007
It's funny how just a few extra hours can make a whole big difference.
Within this extra hours I find that I feel more for you than I thought I did.
But I can also feel the cautious side telling me to not jump head first into this.
All I ever wanted was to be able to jump and know that someone is always there to catch me.
As much as you try to be there I guess I can not always believe that you actually will be there.
I'm dancing to a tune in my head.
It makes me take 1 step forward then 2 steps back.
Then sometimes 2 steps forward then 1 step back.
As much as the words you speak are so enticing.
Like a skilled story teller.
Able to create magical realms.
Letting me believe just for a little while.
But just like any dream.
I am seeing this beautiful world.
Soaking all the good rays.
Suddenly in the midst of beauty.
I realised it's just a dream.
All this is not real.
As much as I would like to continue dreaming.
It's gone.
It's fading.
And I can't do anything to make it come back.
Watching you sleep was heartbreaking.
For when I'm ready to talk.
You fell asleep.
Leaving me behind alone in the dark.
I cried to myself.
With you lying next to me.
And there was nothing I could do but leave.
Friday, February 09, 2007
I have always tried to not be too involved in matters concerning the family.
Most of the time I just choose to stay away.
Yet it catches up with me every single time.
And the topics never change.
Why do they keep pulling me back when they have decided long ago that I was a lost cause.
As far as I know I was a bad child.
A bad influence.
Cause I chose not to listen.
Cause I chose not to be someone they want me to be.
After all these years.
After all the tears.
Just leave me alone.
Don't get me involve with your never ending petty arguements.
Just like what my brother said.
"She is like that. What else can we do?"
"If she chooses not to listen to our advise, it's her decision."
Just give up on changing me.
Just because I wear shorts and skirts doesn't make me a slut.
Just because I stay over at my friend's house doesn't make me a bad person.
Just because I'm not working now doesn't mean that I'm not looking.
Just because I choose not to share every detail of my day doesn't mean I'm in a bad mood.
You really don't know me.
So don't judge me.
You think I don't envy you guys?
When I see everyone in the house just talking about things that happened that was so funny so sad so memorable.
Yet it sometimes seems like I was never around at all.
I missed out on alot because I was trying to save myself.
Thanks to my brother to always be there to remind me what a loser I am.
I know I'm older yet I don't have a job.
I'm smarter yet I didn't finish school.
Thank you so very much.
You really do know how to make a person feel so loved.
Thanks to my sister for being around so that mum has a chance to say that at least one of her girls finished school.
Don't ever be like me.
Congrats to my fav cousin finally things seem to be going your way.
I'm really glad for you.
In fact I'm glad for everybody.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Love is in the air.
Everything leads to next week.
To one of the most important days in a calender.
The day of love.
Roses.
Dinner.
Chocolates.
Presents.
It is the day we declare our love to our partners.
To let them know that we love them and to shower them with really over priced gifts from the heart (and pockets).
To let others know that we have a special someone to celebrate this beautiful day with.
To act like love sick puppies and not be stared with envy by the others.
For everyone is in love.
Yet we forget our friends who are not as fortunate to have someone.
They may seem pathetic to be alone but isn't Love suppose to be celebrated all the time.
Not just on one particular day.
Still in the end we stress about having no dates.
I usually start to remember all the crappy Valentines that I previously had.
And thank the big guy that I am not celebrating this year.
It's just too stressful.
It's really not painful to be alone I think.
Cause if we are alone on V-Day.
We must have been alone on other days too.
Besides we always have weekends to look forward to.
To be with people who really matter.
To be with love ones.
To be with love everyday.
Not just on Valentine's.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Two weeks ago I was told I was intimidating.
Am I?
It's really scary to think that I am intimidating.
I mean I am scaring potential new friends.
I still can't think of a concrete reason for me being intimidating.
He said I'm mentally intimidating.
Does that mean that I'm smart?
Too smart perhaps?
I doubt so.
My baby sister finally turned 18.
I know I havnt exactly been a very good host now that she is back.
But I don't know what to talk to her.
I only remember the little girl who used to terrorise her elder brother.
I don't know my sister.
Of course I feel somewhat sad.
But I don't know what to say to her.
I'm sure she doesn't know me either.
I feel that she is closer to our cousin.
Is it just me keeping a distance from everybody?
I'm actually afraid to really open up to anybody at all.
No one really knows me.
It's sad isn't it?
I miss my family.
But I really don't know how to open up to them.
Over time the gap is just so easy to maintain.
Me and my own dark garden.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
The job didn't follow through.
Its a tough time.
Just when I'm starting to be optimistic.
Plans don't follow through.
Feeling myself slipping into depression again.
Been talk to my boys.
It's really interesting.
Do people who have been hurt countless of times by their girlfriends or boyfriends really don't want to fall in love again?
They tell me they are not ready or they just don't want to be in a relationship.
Yet when we talk they always mention about their ex girlfriends.
If you mention them, then you must be thinking about them right?
Everything that happens always triggers a memory.
Be it good or bad.
You tend to remember the good times then your mind start to drift into the bad memories.
And you say to yourself, Fuck it.
I'm not ever going to make myself go through the pain again.
And yet someone comes along and your heart starts melting.
Yet after awhile when the initial lovey dovey stage starts to go into the comfort zone.
You tend to feel lazy and think that no, this is not going to work out.
And you tend to just try.
But your heart is not really there anymore.
You like the comfort.
You like the warm feeling have having someone.
But you have this little voice in your head saying things that throws you into a spiralling depths of paranoia.
Making you watch things alittle too close.
So close, just to spot all the mistakes.
Like an early warning to get out of the situation before you get really hurt.
Paranoia.
Heartache.
Or just plain afraid to take that leap of faith.
To trust someone else with your heart seems to be out of the question now.
Have we become so wary of others that we can't even trust ourselves to love again.
My boys have been hurt.
And they have hurt others too.
But nobody is perfect right?
Yet I can hear in their voice when they talk about the one they love and lost.
Though they have others to accompany them in the dark lonely nights.
Is it their way of not being alone at night.
Feeling the warmth and heartbeat of another person next to them.
That's all we ever wanted isn't it?
Having someone to go through life with.
The phobia of being alone and old, is really scary.
So is this all we ever need?
To never be alone?
To have someone to accompany you in life?
Or to have someone who takes care of you?
Someone to think of you?
Someone to love you?
Someone who means something to you.
Not just a passing tourist in your life.
It's all about connections.
We need that connection.
But where do we find it?
Can we really go through people and actually find someone that seems perfect enough to actually jump?
How many heartaches can you go through before you finally succumb to reality?
The reality of having only one person to trust.
Yourself.
But then again we don't always trust ourselves enough to actually believe in everything we choose, do we?
So who can we really trust?
Since our heart is just a sucker for love, romance, corniness and happily ever after.
Our mind gets fooled everytime our hearts says this could be the one.
Come on take the chance.
What is the worst that can happen.
And yet in the end your mind starts to see through the fog and realise that you have been walking in circles.
Someone please show me the path.
The shortcut.
I'm lost in my fog.
I'm starting to feel afraid.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
3 fulltime jobs.
3 night jobs.
3 bad endings.
I really do know what I want to do now.
Psychology.
I really do hope that this next job that I'm considering really works out.
I know my mum won't be too happy that I'd be working in a bar again.
But its work.
It beats not having a job at all right?
My mum is trying to change and finally be more strict with me.
But the time is over to influence me.
I have been independent way too long for her to do this to me now.
I try not to disappoint her too much these days.
But this is what I can do.
I can't be too fussy now.
Hopes she understand.
It is hard to get a job now and if this is what it takes to get further in life.
This is what I will do now.
We are all getiing older.
I don't have time to waste anymore time.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
It is really amusing how when you are having tons of fun, time passes by so fast.
I had a blast the last week.
I mean I lost track of what day it was most of the time.
But it has been really fun.
Boys will always be boys.
They are so cute when they are single n trying to get use to having a girl around.
A girl friend that is sometimes like a boy.
One that they are weirdly comfortable to actually talk openly to.
My "single" always available boyfriends.
They really are good guys.
It is just a case of getting hurt then trying to have as much fun as possible.
Being hurt is a really bad position to be in.
I really do want them to find happiness.
They are all fun and full of cheekiness.
But in one I can actually see the worries.
He makes everyone else in the house feeling uneasy with him pacing around the house all the time.
Relax dude.
You are not that old.
Really.
I just love teasing you about it.
Hehe.
We shall hang out again soon.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
I know it seems like I have been behaving like a love sick puppy over the past few weeks.
And it's true I was madly in love.
But I guess now the magic has somewhat died alittle.
Isn't it expected.
And it's not like I don't love anymore.
It's more in the case of individuality.
As the new year starts and you lie alone at night.
Thinking what this year can bring you.
Will you be able to do what you didnt manage to last year.
Will you be strong enough to get through this year a winner.
I have been going around making people question what they will be doing with the rest of their lives.
Honestly it's not that I want to scare them.
But I want to know their plans so that maybe I can steal some ideas.
And maybe know exactly what I really want to do with my life.
I know roughly what I like.
But I want to know what is best and what is it that I am good at.
So I have a direction to follow.
It will be so much easier.
Don't you think?
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
No more masks.
No more fear.
A new year.
A new heart.
A new soul.
A new love.
Words spoken.
Music to my heart.
Every beat is for love.
And just like a shadow it is never far.
Always there to remind you.
You are alive.
And it is real.
Hands held tight.
Held with love.
To let you know you will never be alone.
Promises of love.
A promise of trust.
A promise of us.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
I found love.
In a form of dreams.
Conversations with a faceless stranger.
Everynight He awaits.
Waiting for my eyes to shut.
Waiting for me to enter the dark garden.
Where questions and answer have no place.
Your heart and mind being tested with every word said.
Some are just memories.
Some are of the future.
Words used so carefully thought of.
Words that can make you laugh and cry all at the same time.
You know there is a message there.
But you are so mesmerised by the garden.
The beauty of of the darkness.
Perfume of the black rose intoxicating your mind.
Confusing you.
Making you forget about the message.
And there you will still be.
Lost.
A brand new year.
Finally the long dreadful 2006 has ended.
Last year was bad for a number of people I know.
Lost love ones.
Lost love.
Lost of jobs.
Lost of mind.
But we shall make things different this year.
A brand new year, a brand new start.
This will be the year for us all.
We shall be happier.
Stronger.
We shall...
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Christmas is over.
Time to get back to work.
4 1/2 hours to go.
I remember now why I never really fancied an office job.
It is rather boring.
The people just stick to their own departments.
And they hardly talk to each other.
Lunchtime is quiet.
I like cause I know there isn't much people to make a whole load of noise.
All this quietness has made me think of my current situation.
Dare I say I'm in love?
It feels that way.
Always has come up.
I know I said it.
I mean it.
I can't wait to hear your voice again.
You sure are addictive.
Muakz!!!
Monday, December 25, 2006
Christmas weekend was all about Love.
Love among friends.
Love in a family.
Love between two souls.
This is how I always pictured Christmas to be.
The connections between people.
The warmness you feel knowing you actually want to spend time with these people.
Gifts were not important these year.
It was all about time.
Having the time to be with Love Ones.
Precious Moments.
I love the fact that I felt more Love this weekend than ever before.
My heart is full.
My mind is floating.
Thank you all for your company.
Have a Merry Loving Christmas.
Friday, December 22, 2006
It all seems like a dream now.
You may just be a figment of my imagination.
Something I dreamt of to occupy my mind and heart.
As the days went by slowly.
My heart has been crying silently.
The days all seem the same.
The nights seem colder with no one lying close.
Yet as I drift to sleep.
I see your face so clearly.
I hear you singing.
I feel you in my arms as we embrace.
Are you real?
Or are you really just a dream.
A beautiful dream that has captured my heart.
As the sun sets later in the day.
I will finally be sure.
Of you.
The perfect dream.
To be able to open my eyes.
And see you standing before me.
And take me away.
Just the two of us.
Lost in love.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Kiss
Home
Eyes
Barry
Shower
Costumes
V8
Rose
Prince
Popeyes
Planes
Tears
5
KL
Candle
Hotel California
Prestige
Air
7 Hrs
Youth Park
Mustafa
Pants
O
Flow
Sentosa
Book
T- Shirt
Premier Anniversaire de Mois
This festive season has made everyone think.
Think of all the people in their lives.
What they will be wearing.
What presents to get.
How they are going to spend the day.
It is nice to know there is still magic.
But something else has made people a little crazy these days too.
Love.
The culprit in alot of sadness, confusion and fear.
For its a day to spend with love ones.
There are people not fortunate enough to experience this, this year.
But there are memories to last you a lifetime.
And they are with you in spirit.
Remember the times spent together.
And they shall not be forgotten.
It's the ones still around that you should worry about.
It's amazing what goes on these days.
Think of what a deadly mix of Love, Hate, Sex & Confusion can do.
Whatever happened to Love being a straight forward thing.
You like, you fall and you be together.
Times have changed.
Now it's you like, you fall yet you don't get together.
Instead confusion is added into the mix.
Some end up alone, upset and eventually heart broken.
This is not the way it should end.
Eventually Love turns to Hate.
And no one is happy.
This is very sad.
Which leaves us to a growing number of people having a phobia of falling in Love.
Alot of people I have been talking to recently have been burned quite badly by Love.
They are so afraid that they rather play the field.
Having no commitments.
Having no one to call their own.
Which makes me wonder are they truly happy living life this way.
Or would they rather lie to themselves and pretend that it doesnt affect them in any way.
But on the brightside they did share this one glimmer of hope.
They say the next person they are going to fall in love with will be The One.
The One who they will love forever and spend the rest of their lives with.
So I guess eventually everything comes to a full circle eh?
I can only hope.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Winter has come.
The Singapore's version of winter.
Wet, wet and very wet.
It's all dark and cold.
Don't you just wish you could be in bed.
With a warm cup of cocoa with marshmellows.
In the arms of a love one.
Getting lost in the comfortable warmth.
Yet I'm still waiting for my cool morning breeze.
Not this wet cold winds that has imprisoned me in my own house.
My cool morning breeze.
My heart is aching without you near.
My skin yearns to be teased.
The gentle slow soft caresses that you got me addicted to.
Making my mind dizzy.
Moans softly escaping.
My lips missing yours.
My heart beating faster.
For Christmas is nearing.
Along with presents.
So have you been good or naughty this year?
Hehe.
You will only get what you really deserve.
So what does that make me?
Hehe.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Just a couple more days till the weekend.
I know, I know.
The weekend just ended.
But I'm looking forward to this coming weekend.
It's going to be a fun weekend.
I know I may not be the most religious person in the world.
And it's not that I do not believe in Him.
I know there is a bigger thing out there.
I'm just not ready to fully commit to Him yet.
Besides, all religions have a few things in common.
To make you a good person.
To not harm others in any way.
To be compassionate.
To love.
To have faith.
And most importantly to be selfless and do good for others.
Well that is what I like to believe anyway.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Christmas is next week.
And Love will be in the air again.
I can't believe the year is about to end.
Let us all look back and think about what 2006 has brought us.
My year started off pretty dead.
Then it got worse.
With the disappearing act of an old man.
Then many months of loneliness.
Then the start of alot of good people in my life.
They have been around for quite awhile.
But we never really took time to actually spend and take time to get to know each other better.
I am very happy to find friends this year.
Friends I am glad to have spend so much time and energy with.
And of course there are people who I have lost over the year.
And I would like to wish them a good life.
And hope they find the happiness they deserve.
Everyone should be happy.
Let us all be merry.
And afterwards let us all get high and PARTY!!!
Monday, December 11, 2006
You are the best thing that has happened to me in awhile.
Being with you is just like Christmas morning.
You know you will get presents yet you are not very sure if you will really get what you have always wanted.
This year I'm not asking for much.
All I ask is for you to show me that you can love me the way I love you.
My heart is crying.
For this is too soon.
You came to me like the cool morning breeze.
Cheekily playing with the curtains.
Warms my skin as you bring in the sun.
Waking me up.
It's almost too beautiful.
And soon there will be no breeze in the morning.
Just dead air.
Trying to suffocate me.
Testing me.
Killing me.
You are not the same person anymore.
You have changed.
And I do not like the person you have become.
It used to be so easy talking to you.
Now it seems like there is no way to get to your head or heart.
A dark cloud is hovering over you.
And it has a life of it's own.
Just like the Fates.
It decides who lives and who dies.
And now you are alone, you say.
But think of all the people who are worried for you.
You are blinded.
You can not see what is truly there.
We are not against you.
We are just worried for you.
But it's a task talking to you.
For you are not listening.
And in the end you were the one who left.
We never left you.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Such a great week.
Or will be.
So exciting.
Sunday
Love in the kitchen cooking up a storm.
Monday
Walked around Far East Plaza.
Met up with my cousin.
Went to Mustafa Centre with Rin.
Bitched about men in our lives.
Tuesday
MOS
Most comfortable, sweet, relaxing, peaceful sleep I had in ages.
Wednesday
Bikini hunting with Kylie.
Body Shop has the best smells.
Gelato to end a great outing.
Thanks girl.
Thursday
SAC
Memories for the girls.
Music to my ears.
A big warm blanket for my heart.
Friday
Still Under Construction
Saturday
Party Party Party
Sunday
Rest
Monday
Last Day
Tuesday
Loneliness
Monday, December 04, 2006
Finally I see it.
Love huh?
No more just hanging in mid air.
Finally I see which side you picked.
I have nothing to say.
It's your life afterall.
I hate you.
Thanks for making me feel like I actually meant something to you.
I guess she means more.
Good luck to the both of you.
First of all I would like to apologise to you for giving you the idea that I was mad at you.
I have never or will I ever think that you will ever do that to me.
I apologise for the confusion.
Secondly I would like to apologise for just walking away.
But I can't take any more of the crap.
You people make me sick.
Exclusive members?
My ass.
Exclusive rich asshole friends.
Who thinks every girl has a price.
And yet still has the cheek to ask for discounts.
You people are worse than pond scum.
Yes I admit it was wrong for me to leave the way I did.
But you people deserve it.
Good luck in running your very own Geylang.
At least now you can add PIMP in your CVs.
Lastly, I apologise to anyone who got punk'd.
It's all in the name of truth.
It may have gotten alittle out of hand.
So please no grudges.
If there is anyone to be blamed.
It's me.
Blame me.
I was the mastermind behind it all.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
It's amazing how some people actually take you for granted.
They want you around only when they want you to.
But when they are out discovering themselves.
And found someone else to keep their interest for the while.
They completely forget about you.
And when they realised that they actually miss your company.
They come looking for you.
Trying to get back what they left in the first place.
It's selfish.
And it degrates a person.
People actually do have feelings.
I have feelings.
What makes you think you deserve my friendship when all you ever did was think of yourself.
If you really think about it.
I cut you alot of slack.
All that ever did was made you think you could ask for more.
I am actually happy you left.
I never thought you will ever contact me again.
But you did.
And all that ever did was made me feel mad.
And somewhat disgusted.
But I really have to thank you.
You left me something really great.
If it wasn't for you.
I will never get to know him.
I have an even better person in my life now.
Way better than you can ever be.
So when I said goodbye.
I really meant it.
But I am still civil and has a heart.
You take care.
I'm sure you will find someone who suits you very well.
All the best.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
I have officially worked for a week.
It has been weird for I havn't been working for quite some time.
But nonetheless it has been quite an experience.
What do you get when you mix alcohol, loud music and one of our minor race together?
One big headache.
What do you get when you work for a couple?
An even bigger headache.
Don't get me wrong I love the fact that I am in charge of my bar.
I get to tell the manager what to get and share my inputs on alot of things concerning the bar.
In one week my manager has actually in a way has made me somewhat an assistant of his.
He actually quite trust me and actually values my thoughts.
Makes me feel good.
But its the end of the year.
I'm going to miss out on alot of my friends when the parties start.
I want to be able to party with my friends.
My friends are actually quite fun people.
Alittle crazy sometimes.
But that's the fun part.
So people.
Up for another party?
Hopefully very soon eh?
Plenty Of Drinks.
Kick ass costumes.
New connections.
One hell of a party.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
With Friendster.
You can see how you are connected to a person.
And sometimes you find that different groups of friends are actually friends too.
Interesting.
I love to see what friends my friends have.
You don't have to be close to a person to actually find out things about the person.
The internet has made it so easy to find out things.
Like once I was just surfing and just wanted to see if I can find anything about my boyfriend.
I just have to type his name in the search engine and I found him.
He was mentioned on a girl's blog.
I was fuming mad.
For I found out he was being unfaithful.
We are no longer together.
Expected.
But life goes on.
It's also easy to see if the person is really in love.
Or feeling down.
Or just having the time of their live.
And soon in a few hours I'm going to be such a busy bee.
Time to party and make new connections.
Drink.
Smoke.
Flirt.
Let my hair down.
Forget the world for just one night.
Truly enjoy myself.
Who knows I might actually have fun.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
I am in that place.
Where I feel alone, unloved, scared and hungry.
Alone even when I'm in the middle of a crowd.
Alone when I stare into the screen waiting for something to happen.
Unloved when I give everything and receive nothing in return.
Unloved when no one seems to fuss over me.
Scared of the dark unclear path that lay before me.
Scared of having to open up all over again.
Hungry for attention that I have been deprived of.
Hungry for the feeling that someone misses you.
Its time to hibernate.
The cool days have come.
It's time to really sleep.
To rest my mind.
To nurse my heart.
Letting time pass with no worries.
Just dreams of a beautiful spring morning.
When everything seems new.
Bringing hope.
Bringing life.
Bringing love.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
It's amazing how music affects a person.
Just like you have alot of genres of music.
You get alot of types of people.
Besides sex.
Music is another thing you can talk about with people you just meet.
I meet alot of people these days who are so crazy about music.
Talking about about how they love making music.
Its really interesting to me.
Listening to them talk and seeing their eyes light up.
It's almost magical.
I personally love the bass.
Well, I love the way it makes me feel.
Gets me weak in the knees.
Hehe.
So that got me thinking.
Since I don't have a boyfriend.
Would it be ok to have a few kissing buddies?
I mean I don't have any right now.
But it just makes me wonder.
I mean I have some friends who greets me by kissing.
So that don't really count.
I love the passion and intensity of kissing a person.
But how do people react to kissing these days?
I remember once many years ago.
I was out with a guy I was seeing but not officially together yet.
And my brother happened to tag along.
And to him, seeing us out together, immediately thought we were an item.
Will the guy that I kiss think that I could possibly like him alot?
Like him enough to be exclusive?
I hope not.
I kissed a guy today.
Someone I just got to know.
But I kissed him on the cheek.
It was more of a "alla la la sayang" moment.
Then since we 'pity' him.
My best friend asked me to kiss him.
So me being me.
I kissed him.
Then he blushed.
It was all pretty cute.
But that only made my hunger for kissing grow.
Even till now all I can think about is lips.
Thick, full lips.
But I'm craving for the meeting of lips.
To actually feel it.
Experience it.
Drown in the feeling.
I guess you are right.
I have to relax.
And hopefully I get to this Saturday.
Costume Party.
It's going to be very interesting.
If I get to convince my best friend to dress up as Dr. Frank-N-Furter.
It will be a blast.
I have body shots on the menu too.
To make drinking alittle more fun.
A movie marathon.
For the gore freaks.
And things will get freaky.
I'm sure of that.
After all it's a night when we can be anyone we want to be.
Be a sport.
Let your inner self loose.
Relax.
Let's get your freak on.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
I feel hate.
Towards alot of things these days.
All I want is a connection.
I don't expect anyone to stick to me.
I just want someone to check up on me.
Ask me how my day was.
Or check if I'm still alive.
My phone has been pretty quiet.
I guess it's also cause of the festive season.
But doesn't anyone think of me.
Or remember me.
I just want a person who I can just cuddle up to.
Make me believe even for a short while that I'm loved.
Make me believe that the world is not that empty.
That there are still connections that I can depend on even for a minute.
I lay in bed watching the sky light up from the rising sun.
I just wish I can sleep and forget.
But my mind won't rest.
It keeps taunting me.
Laughing at me.
For being alone in this time when people should actually be merry with friends and love ones.
I may just be reading too much into it.
But why do I feel so alone?
I have friends.
But I just want that safe feeling of being in someone's arms.
The intoxicating smell of comfort.
The way my head fits nicely on your shoulder.
Listening to your heart beat slower as you fall asleep.
The way your arm seems to protect me as you hold me close.
I miss that.
I want that.
I need that.
Just to make my mind rest.
Could you be the one?
To help me.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Last Saturday was a pretty interesting night for me.
For I blacked out.
Due to tiredness, lack of sleep and too many bottled up emotions.
Hung out with the guys for awhile.
Met up with an old friend.
Went for a couple of drinks.
And I blacked out.
It was weird.
I remembered taking a last sip of my screwdriver.
Leaned back on my seat at the bar.
Just looking at my drink and my view was slowing getting dark.
Just like the ending of a movie.
And the next thing I knew I was waking up in my room.
I had a whole chunk of 12 hours missing out of my mind.
I went for a shower.
Trying so hard to recall even just alittle bit.
But I can't.
This is really bad.
So I called my friend to apologise and find out what the hell happened.
As it turns out, after I blacked out.
I was crying.
I told him that I hated everyone in the whole world.
Especially him.
And that I didn't want him to leave me too.
I guess alot of people were leaving so I was just being over melodramatic.
And he was just unfortunate cause he just happened to be there right at that moment.
And apparently I was talking to him.
Answering his questions when he asked.
It was embarassing.
I was also able to walk around.
The rest are much too embarassing to share.
Thanks my friend.
For helping me get back home safely.
Thank you so very much.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Generally when you are in love.
You feel like everything is right.
Everything is good.
But these days, I notice a growing number of people loving but not being really in love.
Am I making sense?
I have friends who love love.
But afraid to really take the chance to love.
They are afraid of past loves who hurt them.
Afraid of history repeating itself.
But isn't love suppose to be about taking risks.
Living in the beautiful moments together.
I have been in many disappointing relationships.
But in the end I still take the plunge when a new one arises.
I spent alot of times with friends who I actually feel something for.
But when they say that they are not looking.
I just keep my feelings to myself.
I know if I'm so ready to take the plunge why don't I right?
They are my friends.
I know them.
I care for them.
So I don't want any awkwardness between us.
So I have alot of good close guy friends.
And no boyfriend.
I see alot of guys coming into my life.
But just as friends.
And nothing more.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
I feel like I have made a fool of myself.
I may have come on too strong.
Did I?
I was just being honest.
It wasn't as if I was going to act on it.
I know my place.
Sheesh... Kebab.
But it's fine.
I'm strong.
I just feel like sticking my head in the sand for awhile.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
It's my turn to cry.
It's my turn to hurt.
It's time I sell out.
I can't take this anymore.
Being alone.
Being myself.
I tried being myself with a twist.
Trying not to get too involved in emotions.
But I'm not surviving.
Because it's not me.
In the end I always come out on the losing end.
I fell.
I lied.
I cried.
I lost.
Again.
You made me believe what I believed is good.
Yet it still hurts.
So I guess it's not so good afterall.
I love.
I hurt.
I died.
No new beginning.
...
I'm sorry.
I told you I didn't want to think much about it.
But I can't lie to myself.
For you have someone and I don't.
It's not fair.
The world isn't fair.
I was told that I came across as too strong.
If I was strong I wouldn't be hurting.
I was told I was smart.
If I was smart why am I still alone.
And yet after having said all this.
I don't blame the world.
I will still be the girl you can talk to.
I will still believe in love.
I will still be around to comfort.
And I still am happy for you.
To my beautiful perfect stranger:
I wish in my next lifetime I will meet you.
In time.
And hope that we can be.
It will not be too late.
To dream.
To believe.
To trust.
To love.
To be happy.
Together.
Romantic love -
affection characterized by a mix of emotional intimacy and sexual desire.True love -
love without condition, motive or attachment. Loving someone just because they are themselves, not their actions or beliefs in particular. Also referred to as unconditional love. Lust-love -
affection characterized by lust. i.e. The desire to satisfy or gratify oneself. Instantaneous love -
Love that occours the instant that one person comes in contact with another and feels a deep connection or attraction to the other. Also known as "love at first sight" and refered to commonly in many fairy tales and folk lore and literature. Sacrificial love -
the act of sacrificing one's life, or something of great importance, solely on the basis of love.
Which One Are You? My beautiful perfect stranger.
There was so much I wanted to say.
But I was afraid.
I'm afraid if the words are spoken then there will be awkwardness.
For I want you to be happy.
Really happy.
To never cry again.
But I did.
I'm terribly sorry.
I have nothing much to offer you.
But an understanding.
Understand this.
I will forever be here for you when you need me.
May it be years from now.
May it be tomorrow.
I'm here.
Always.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Memories of the night lingers.Like an old black and white movie.
It struck a chord in my heart.
Conversations that has depth.
A setting so beautiful.
Laughter.
Sadness.
Self discovery.
Forever classified as a classic in my mind.
I'm always here for you.
For now I am just the girl who is alone.
The one who hopes that one day.
A person will love her as much as she loves him.
Who will be there for her when she needs him.
And lastly a person who will realise that he actually loves her.
Realise it not when she has shut her heart to him.
I see a long lonely road.
For my heart is still hurting.
But if I find a person worth risking it all to.
I won't hesitate.
There Is Hope Afterall.
Friday, October 13, 2006
A night out.Feels like another time.
Another place.
Far away from this familiar world.
It almost felt like a story out of a fairytale.
Where there are knights.
And maidens.
And forbidden love.
I may have just met you.
But it felt like I have known you all my life.
Maybe a whole lifetime before.
It's crazy to think I felt so comfortable.
Like a promise I made to never give up in search of someone.
Even after I die.
In the next life I will still be searching.
Till I find that person.
You were right.
I'm not meant for this era.
My heart still lives in the past where true love actually matters.
Where people give up wealth for true love.
When love meant everything to two souls destined for each other.
Soulmates.
Now it seems like the world has turned completely upside down.
Where money is everything.
Love is not a necessity.
Love can be pawned for money.
It's a sad world we live in right now.
Where you can find people afraid to love.
No one seems strong enough anymore to actually take the plunge.
To take the risk.
To trust.
To love.
My beautiful perfect stranger.
My knight in shining armor.
Take me away.
To a place far away.
Just like yesterday.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Conversations late at night.
Personal.
Straightforward.
Honest.
I like.
A great way to clear your mind and heart.
Painful past.
Immense sorrow.
Shit happens.
Life goes on.
It's funny how you can open up to strangers.
Share intimate stories of your past with.
Things you sometimes find hard to tell some of your best of friends.
I'm glad I had that conversation with you.
It was heartbreaking.
Remembering it all.
But it's like the 12 steps program.
You have to admit it.
Face it head on.
Because if you can say it out loud, then you have a higher chance of getting over it.
Well maybe the memory lingers.
But you can get over it and move on.
Start a new chapter in your life.
It really startled me when you told me that I was born in the wrong era.
Because I feel it all the time.
I have thought of it myself.
I'm just shocked to hear it from another person.
My mind feels like it has lived throughout history.
My heart feels out of place in this time and age.
So for pointing it out.
You owe me a hug.
Make it a big one.
A big long one.
Then after that maybe we can continue from the door again eh?
A new found friend said to me.
It's kinda good to release some truth to the world sometimes.
It got me thinking.
I havn't been honest to alot of people and most importantly to myself.
As much as I'm a sucker for happily ever after.
In this time and age, you don't see it happening anymore.
Whatever happened to old fashioned romance?
I crave for it.
I need to be with a person who loves me.
I mean truly loves me.
All this being single and being happy is all a facade.
I hate being single.
I may want to have alot of fun right now.
But every morning when I wake up and realise, that I don't have a person lying next to me, holding me the whole night, makes me wish I could just sleep all over again.
It's really sad.
At the same time, I can't put myself out into the world just yet.
I'm afraid.
I mean, I'm wary of everyone.
I put a wall between anyone and myself just to be safe.
Or at least I think I'm safe.
I guess I'm just feeling alittle lost right now.
Not used to being in this situation.
But then again I may wake up later feeling like I can take on the world.
I stand with one feet on each side.
Naughty and nice.
Happy and sad.
Feeling both, all at the same time.
It's just me.
I'm weird.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Single.
Available.
But not looking.
Just want to have fun.
Lots of it.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Can you think of the possiblilities?
Enticing?
Hot?
Sweet?
Comfortable?
I have way too much time in my hands to let my mind run wild.
And trust me, my mind runs far.
Isn't it funny that most conversations these days always ends up being about SEX.
I guess everyone is thinking it.
ALOT!!
But I really don't mind listening to it.
It's really funny.
Well to me anyway.
Ponder This:
Sexual Sorbet - The first person you sleep with after a breakup; a palate cleanser to remove the taste of a failed relationship.
Seventeen Dates - After a breakup, the approximate number of bad dates you have to endure before you have a good one.
Dater's Remorse - That sick feeling you get after dating someone you didn't really need and couldn't emotionally afford.
Retrodating - Reconnecting with one of the first people you ever kissed in order to get in touch with your own dating innocence and joy.
My Favourite:
Male Harems - An idea whose time has come; The many men you can juggle once you genuinely stop looking for a commitment.
So how about it?
u + me + your room +alone=??
If you had me alone... Locked up in your room for 24 hours & we could do whatever you wanted... what would you do with me?
Be a sport.
Let your mind run... far.
And tell me all about it.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Oh My God!!!He is going to suffer.
What does she want now?
I'm going to break him slowly.
Act cool.
Hmm... Putting up a brave front.
How are you?
Good actually. Yourself?
Good.
That was all that was said.
Afraid I see.
I like it that way.
You should be afraid.
And I will continue to play with your mind.
You deserve it.
I will break you slowly.
I'm enjoying every second of it.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
You.The source of my heartache.
Left me alone.
Heartless bastard.
I hope you enjoy being free now.
Cause soon you will be right back in hell.
And I'm the eyes that will watch you burn slowly.
And I will love every minute of it.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
3 days and 2 nights, no sleep.Ample time to self destruct.
Countless thoughts in my head.
They haunt me, even in my dreams.
Confusing me.
Dreams so real.
Conversations so thought provoking.
Disguised as memories.
An illicit union in the horizon.
All lust.
No heart.
What is it about me?
That makes a guy think that they can get into my pants easily.
Is it really my boobs?
Big boobs doesn't mean no brains.
Just like guys having two heads and yet are not that much smarter.
I experienced recently that creeps are everywhere.
One may pray and say they are proud to be of a particular religion.
But if your actions and thinking is not good.
Then what does it make you?
An Imposter.
You should be shot dead.
BANG! BANG!! BANG!!!
It's so sad to think the world is filling up with people like this.
It's better to Die Young And Save Yourself.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Every relation you make with someone affects you even if it's just alittle bit.
There are all the past love that left you heartbroken.
All the friends who came when you called that left you feeling loved.
How is it that relationships are so complicated these days?
A husband trying so hard to keep his marriage together.
When the wife has already given up.
Yet still living together.
How a guy can tell you that he loves you.
Then in a couple of days tells you he just wants to be friends.
Then the very next day, tells you that he is seeing someone already.
How long a person will wait to get a chance to be together finally with that someone.
Even after knowing that someone might just disappear one day.
How the person you yearn for doesn't notice you.
But all the creeps are just after one thing from you.
How you swear off all men.
And yet cry yourself to sleep, missing having someone to cuddle with.
It's all lies.
Everyone lies to make themselves feel slightly better.
Some lies becomes hope.
Having hope that there is a chance it can happen.
Some lies are just plain lies to cover your ass.
Some lies are spoken because of fear.
And lies are so much easier to face than the truth.
I am not asking for anything.
I just want to be happy.
Without the complications.
Is it really too much to ask for?
To the husband, be patient.
Both of you made vows in the name of The Almighty.
Promises are meant to be kept.
Even if it doesn't work out.
There must be a bigger meaning to it all.
To the guy, I am very happy for you.
I wish you all the best.
I am always here to lend a ear if you ever need one.
To the person who waits.
Do something really nice just for yourself.
You will be happier.
To you who is yearning.
Go ahead and say how you feel.
Take a chance.
And lastly to the one crying.
The person who loves to love but is afraid of love right now.
Don't rush or let youself feel lonely late at night.
Cause you are ever alone.
You have friends.
And they love you.
Remember that.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
I have been experiencing a lot of conflict these days.
But the conflict is within me.
I'm fighting with myself.
In the quest to be happy.
To be independent.
To live life.
So many questions arise.
To really live life, would you have to lose yourself?
Do you really know yourself?
Do you know what you really want?
Is this what you really want?
Are you guranteed happiness if you follow this path?
How can you be so sure this is the right decision?
I mean I am happy right now.
But I have a feeling something will affect me negatively in the fututre.
Because good things don't last very long.
Maybe I'm just thinking into it too deeply.
Paranoid, Me.
I mean I'd love to just sit back and bask in the happy rays.
But you know there will be clouds passing through.
I'm just not looking forward to it.
I just want to prepare myself, when it actually happens.
This will be a never ending subject.
So lets just chuck it aside for the time being.
Let's talk about something else.
Let's talk about kissing.
Remember your first kiss?
How did it make you feel?
I remember my first kiss.
He walked me to the bus stop.
Waited with me for my bus.
We talked.
I wanted to kiss him so badly.
I knew he wanted to kiss me too.
But we were both not sure how to.
So my bus came.
He, still holding my hand while I flagged it down.
He pulled me back and suddenly our teeth banged.
Ouch!!
We both laughed then we just gave a quick peck on the lips.
I remembered smiling all the way home.
I know it was just a peck but it was the first time.
It was sweet.
So how was your first time?
Share with me.
I actually miss kissing.
I find that people don't kiss much anymore after going to the next level.
They just kiss to make it as a platform, a start.
That leads to fooling around.
Kissing is an art.
It should be appreciated.
When I kiss I love the feeling of my soul floating.
Provided the other party doesn't slobber all over you.
Imagine light pecks.
Then full lip contact.
Senses going wild from that connection.
The warmth from both your bodies as you lean closer.
And finally you part, smiling and opening your eyes.
Seeing the person in front of you.
And for a split second you feel immense love.
Dreamy.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Alot of things have been going through my head lately.
But I can't remember all of it.
So I will save it for the next post.
Firstly, I'm glad I finally got over him.
I like it that we are just friends now.
I really do.
Don't get me wrong it's not that I think he don't qualify.
I just don't see HIM like that anymore.
Secondly, I finally got a line.
I am finally contactable.
As soon as I activate the line anyway.
There is no rush.
Thirdly, an update on the current standing of the question.
3-2
I like the results.
Well, enough to make me feel relieved anyway.
Starting to really think about how I look in the eyes of others.
I have been avoiding thinking about it for a very long time.
But I guess it's because I have "aged".
Never thought I'd feel so old.
At the age of 21.
Feels like it was just yesterday we were all in school.
Sigh~
Fourthly, I need to be at the beach.
Sentosa.
Just camp out there for a night.
Look at the stars.
Have good company.
Bring along some food and drinks.
Not forgetting some music, just in case.
And you have a perfect night out on a low budget.
I want it so bad.
I can almost taste the salty sea air.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
I just had to ask the question.
I know I won't really like the answer but I just had to.
So I asked two guys tonight if they thought I am pretty.
One said "I won't say you are drop dead gorgeous but you are not ugly either.
You are cute.
You have a smile that can light up a room."
The other one: "You are sweet.
I have seen many beautiful girls but sweet is hard to forget.
Its so hard to find someone sweet anymore."
*Well both comments may have been altered alittle.
So they were saying I'm not pretty?
And trying to cover their asses thinking I won't get mad.
By sugar coating the ugly truth.
I know I'm not the most attractive person but I think I'm slightly above average looking.
They could have just said that.
Sugar coating it only makes me feel UGLIER.
So enough about appearances.
Let's talk about something that affects the heart.
My favourite subject.
So I was out with friends earlier.
I made a comment that I didn't think would be passed so quickly.
I mentioned that he still has feelings for the girl.
He denies it of cause.
I can see his eyes light up when he looks at her while she talks on the phone.
I can see the affection.
His arm on the side of the table looks like it was trying to reach to her.
But then again I may have been wrong.
They are close I guess.
So if I was wrong I apologise.
So the awkwardness still lingers.
I can read people well but not great.
Some can hide very well so I can't read.
But what I am really interested in is what goes in their heads.
I try to think like them.
Like I said I may be very off but it can cross their minds right?
The subject of HIM makes me ponder.
I feel like he is pushing me away cause he really does feel something for someone else.
Or he can make her up.
I know I said I'm trying not to think about it too much.
But its me.
I think too much.
So yea it drives me crazy not having a satisfactory answer.
I mean it was just yesterday he told me we should be just friends.
The very next day he tells me he is seeing someone else.
I mean I did ask if he had someone else and he denies it.
I had a feeling but I thought it was just crazy thoughts.
Am I that easy to forget?
I must be cause most of the guys I went out with got over me pretty quickly.
I must never have been special.
Words can only just be words.
But it can also mean that they just need to get over me by going out with someone else.
I think I am really losing my mind.
I am having more conversations with myself rather than with anyone else.
Whatever.
*Listening to: Why Cry - The Panic Channel
I've been feeling lonesome
I'm downed, don't know what to do
I let you lie to me
plant seeds inside to see them grow then leave them to die
I've learned my lesson,
I won't be forgetting,
I won't give my heart out without suspecting
why cry , why cry, why cry for you
I been lost and finding out that I've been such a fool
You thought you'd stick around until the day you found someone
to make me absolite
I learned my lesson,
I won't be forgetting,
I won't give my heart out with out suspecting
why cry, why cry, why cry, why cry for you
I learned my lesson,
I won't be forgetting
why cry, why cry, (for you)
why cry, why cry, (for you)
why cry, why cry (for you)
why cry, for you.
It will take awhile for me to fully get over this.
But I will.
Trust me?
Ok let's be honest.
Why I'm so hung up over this is because.
Sometimes I feel like I'm always trying to understand people.
Always trying to accommodate to others.
Always trying to make people happy.
Just once I want someone who will do all this for me.
Wait for me.
Give me time.
And not just give up on me and move on.
Like I said:
In The End I Will Be Just Your Long Lost Memory
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
When I was younger I was a very quiet child.
I never wanted to stand out.
So I never tried being close to any family member.
So recently I have been chatting with an uncle.
I could tell he was kind of sad he missed my growing years.
He may have missed it but I think it was better that he did.
I would never have allowed him to really know me anyway.
I still can't bring to let anyone to really know me.
Once they know I change my habits or places I hangout in.
So no one can find me.
I know he wants me to pick myself up and be all I can be.
But don't anyone ever think that sometimes I'm just tired.
Tired of always having to show the world that I can stand on my own two feet.
I know it's a good thing.
But come on give me a break.
I want someone to help me.
There I said it.
I want someone to help me to pay for my studies.
I know I can do so much.
I just need to get through this tough bump.
I will repay them once I get a job.
But everyone has their own lives.
And they would love to sit back and watch you work hard.
Be all you can be and feel good about themselves.
Thinking their words have been a part of getting you there at the top.
Just like no one was there to "save" me when I was younger.
What chance is there of anyone helping me now?
Now that I am old enough to stand on my own two feet right?
I know he means well.
But I still feel that everyone just says things.
Just like they did before.
So I guess I can never rely on anyone.
Just myself.
Just my lonely self.
I hate it when anyone says "I'm always here when you need me"
Or "I'm just a phone call away"
But no one has really been there for me.
When I really need someone.
I am forever having to find my own way out.
I'm so tired.
Most of my growing days
I always thought "Would anyone really miss me if I'm gone?"
Sure they think of how I'm doing.
But they were never really there to help.
I feel so unimportant.
Yeah money is not really that important.
Love is. Right?
But I never really felt that any of my family members ever loved me.
They always gave me this pity look.
I don't need pity.
I want to study.
Well I guess I will have to date someone else now.
He is finding himself.
Sometimes I really feel that it is me.
Do I make people start to question themselves?
And they go on a journey of self discovery.
Maybe I am just fated to teach.
Its going to be a very lonely road.
If I carry on this way I'll have no one to call my own.
When I was younger and thinner.
It was so easy to get to know "new" guys.
I'm not saying that I am so very old.
But I feel that way sometimes.
People are so superficial these days.
As much as they never admit it.
But they always go for the once over.
A once over to determine whether that person is HOT.
Once confirmed they try to get to know you.
I had a bad experience once.
I was at the MRT station a couple of months back.
There was this guy who was kinda cute.
He came up to me and gave me an email address cause he thought I was cute.
I was happy thinking I still got it.
Boy was I wrong.
He turned out to be a creep.
He was saying he had a girlfriend.
But he didn't mind getting to know me cause he don't mind bigger girls.
I mean yeah I was bigger then
But what makes him think that I want him anyway?
He thinks I'm this lonely "FAT" girl that is just dying to have someone in her life.
PLEASE...
Even if he was the last man
I'd rather die alone.
So guys think that bigger girls actually need saving from thinking they'd die alone.
But ultimately guys want a girl who they can show off to their friends.
I ask you is this fair?
In this time and age
Why do guys still think they are the best gender?
Women are just as good and maybe even better.
We can do the picking now too.
We can pick our partners and judge them on looks too.
Just like men can have trophy wives.
Women are having hot young husbands too.
Not that I'm really encouraging these kind of behaviour.
It's just something to ponder.
It will be a never ending race to see who is really better.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
I had quite an awakening somewhat these last few weeks.
I had to admit alot of things that I have been denying for so long.
It's hard to admit especially to yourself that you have failed.
Firstly a relationship that was no longer there.
Lying to yourself that there was a relationship when in fact the person has left.
You know it and yet you keep thinking he still loves you.
It has ended but life goes on right?
So I tried dating again.
He is nice and caring and will make a good companion.
But I know I'm not ready cause my heart is still hurting.
Telling him that was hard.
But no more lies.
Seeing him recoil to his safe distance makes me feel so bad.
But at least I'm trying to do the right thing now.
Not rushing into another relationship and risk history repeating itself.
Secondly, hanging out with friends.
God I miss it.
Being in a relationship really kills time with friends.
As much as we all deny not ever forgetting friends.
It is a big fat lie.
You feel so obligated to please and spend time with a girlfriend or boyfriend.
So you forget that friends are always there for you when you are down.
Sean is planning a costume party.
Hopefully it turns out just fine.
P. A. R. T. Y?
Because we all gotta.
HAHA
Thirdly, I have to admit that my life is in a rut.
I have no job.
No money.
My life is not good now.
But I know my friends are here to help me get through it all.
So thank them all especially Sean.
I love you baby.
So I watched The Breakup yesterday.
It was like watching my life when I was in a relationship well some parts of it.
I really feel Brooke's thoughts and feelings.
I love the ending.
I want to be like her.
Pick herself up and get on with life.
So I need to get a job and get my diploma and then get a better job.
Further my studies again and get an even better job.
Haha sounds good?
I think so at least.
So don't forget the party will be on the 4th of November.
Everyone MUST come down.
Everytime I think of you I gaze at your photograph
The past has gone and will never repeat again
Just forget the stories of us
Don't plead to those who didn't care
Don't wait up for those who has already left
It will only open up old wounds
No word can ever describe the painful disappointments
So just let it be
What else is there to be said that hasn't already been said
The fates have dealt their cards
And yet this is human nature
Sweet words are easily spoken
But words are easily twisted
And tears continue to flow
Thinking of the bittersweet romance
In the end its just memories.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
I have been back home for about a week now.
Feels good this time.
I'm more open I guess.
I explained to my bro what I'm doin and I hope he understand.
I just came back from 1nitestand.
It was great.
Funny, I thought I would get bored real fast.
Because I was alone.
But I had alot of things to keep me entertain.
Dina was nice checking up on me very often so I felt good.
The band, 6 In The City, was f**king good as Dina commented when I got there.
They really have alot of energy.
They were so good I had goosebumps.
They even could perform "Hips Don't Lie"
Felt like I was on holiday.
The place has become quite a pick up joint.
Alot of woman were there just to waiting to be picked by our horny males.
Don't get me wrong I love men, but not those just trying to get laid.
And to all those people who think they can dance try recording yourself and show it to your friends.
Your real friends.
Unless they can't dance either.
I had a good laugh watching all these dancer wannabes.
PLEASE spare yourself the embarassment.
One thing I noticed was that alot of people have no sense of rhythm.
Which is sad, can just imagine how they perform during sex.
Must be BORING.
Listen to the music.
Most of the time I think they hear totally different music when they are dancing.
Cause some move too fast & some just float around.
It was hilarious.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
I feel like I'm suffocating again.
I want to run away, as far away as possible.
My home never felt like home to me.
The people in the house always makes me feel so crappy.
Yeah, so I don't have a job now.
But when I did before, remember who helped you.
Why do you always expect me to always be there for you when you guys are never there for me.
I feel so used.
You are my mum, my cousin and brother.
Don't talk to me like I'm dumb.
If you were in my position you will cry everyday for the rest of your lives.
If you havn't already noticed, I never really want to talk to any of you.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
A whole week spent with musicians.
Yes I call them musicians because they are so very good.
Yet they are humble about their talents.
Got to play the drums alittle.
But spending time with them is very therapeutic.
I recommend it to anyone who has been feeling alittle down.
They are fun people to hangout with.
We cracked jokes all night long.
I'm upset because I won't be able to catch Blade and his band perform on Sunday.
I have been barred from Gas Haus.
Its a real joke I tell you.
Its not like I can or want to do any harm to them.
So what are you really afraid of Jeff & Sherry?
Been having an infactuation recently.
Can't help myself.
He is quite a hottie.
How can I not flirt with a hottie.
Monday, June 26, 2006
This would have to be one of the best week I have had in such a long time.
I met friends from long ago.
Get to act my age.
My mind is stimulated.
I like.
The world cup this time round has been quite a disappointment.
From the very beginning.
It wasn't as good as the last one.
The jerseys this time round was quite bland.
The theme song sucks.
But most importantly,
the spirit of it all isn't here.
The hype didn't even build up after the first round of games.
But nonetheless I get to watch quite a number of the matches with friends.
Which is fun in any level you see it.
Friday, June 23, 2006
I have always loved being in a relationship.
I love the thought of having someone missing you whenever you are not around.
Always thinking of you.
Thinking of the next time you will meet again.
Just having someone to hold you close with.
Having someone to share your dreams.
I guess relationships are never like that these days.
Those who are fortunate enough to have this kind of relationships, I envy you.
I feel like I'm single now.
I am not obligated to report my whereabouts to anyone.
Which is quite fun.
I can go anywhere without feeling bad that someone might be left behind.
But at the end of the day.
I still feel alone.
I still cry myself to sleep.
I still think of you.
My mind is hating.
My heart is aching.
My brain is dying.
My soul is drifting.
In the end its just me standing.
Alone.
In this dark mind boggling world.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
It has been a really long time since I have hung out with people around my age. I use to think it was boring. But I may be wrong. I had a great time even though we just sat in a pub, smoke, watch soccer.
Sean will be having his operation later in the day. I know he is acting all macho about it. I'm just feeling worried for him. It is afterall an operation. It is never 100% safe. I'm such a bad person. I will pray for him. It may not be a serious operation but nonetheless you are my dear friend and I don't want anything bad happening to you.
Like you said we will all hang out when its pay day. Haha.
So yeah, I had a great time. Mostly cause one of my earliest crush was there. Can't stop looking at him. Not that I was staring psychoticly. He still looks good. Well to me anyway. But like most school crushes. I really don't think anything more will come out of it. I would love to get to know him better. But I think I kind of forgot how to get close to someone without looking like I'm trying too hard. Nonetheless you are so hot to me.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
I'm starting to feel slightly better. I'm starting to talk to old friends and they are the best. They make me laugh and make me feel slightly wanted. But the dark shadows still hovers over me. But once in awhile I do get alittle sunshine.
Times like this my mind suddenly gets very clear but its just my heart that doesn't want to move on. Just give it alittle time. I just miss having calls. I'm always near the phone so I can't help but wait for it to ring. But it doesn't.
Sean will be having his operation tomorrow. He will be fine. Just like always. I love you. I'll be waiting for you to get better then we can hang out more yeah?
My soulmate has gone back. Funny when he was coming here I missed him so much but after he has left, not so much. I find it rather weird. When he was here he was acting rather funny. Like he was trying to distance himself from me. Maybe he was. But I was just so caught up in the moment of just being around him that I just didn't want to ruin the moment.
I won't lie saying that I feel nothing for him when in fact I do. But according to his girlfriend, everything is fine. And anyway it's not like he returned any of my emails.
So yeah, I'm all alone. All the men in my life is busy. I need to find more men. Lots of them.
Monday, June 19, 2006
I must be if u think you can just ask me to trust you blindly and I really do. I am not your puppy dog that you can train to love and do things for you. You must really not want to be with me anymore. Hey I'm fine with it. Just say it. Or else explain yourself. You really don't have anything to say to me anymore do you? Why can't you just say it? I find it quite pointless us staying together. I really have nothing to give to you anymore. Why do you still say that you are my boyfriend? I don't understand. Why won't you talk to me?
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Today is Father's Day. Never was an important event in my life ever. And I am actually glad I never had to celebrate this fateful day. All the men in my life seems to either run, fly, or just absolutely ignore me but still acknowledge me as a daughter or girlfriend when they have to face me. Me the angry one. Always thought of as the angry one. Why shouldn't I be?
You only want me around when you need something from me. Telling me you will call when u never did. Telling me to call you in awhile and then u are not around to pick my calls. Isn't that what you will call avoiding? I have tried my best to make you as comfortable as possible. But you seem to not care even if I died. Tell me do you deserve to be my boyfriend?
You always making me cry. You always wanting things done your way. You always hurting me. You never cared about me did you? All of you never cared about me ever did you?
Friday, June 16, 2006
I have been thinking the last few days. What are boyfriends good for? I used to have this really great guy. He did alot of things right, like complimenting me even when i didn't have to fish it out of him. So if he was so good why are we not together you ask.
Seriously I don't really know what it is that is really keeping us apart. It's so easy to say- "If you love somebody, be with that person". We still keep in contact. Tell each other almost everything. I know he is my soulmate. But the distance is just too great to make it work. I really do miss him, all the time. He is like the par level of what a boyfriend is suppose to be.
Gorgeous, funny, great body but best of all he made me feel so loved. So wanted. So needed. So important. So beautiful.
So I ask myself this question. What is it about us girls that makes guys so perplexed. Its not like you guys don't know that girls need alot of attention. We love to be fussed about. We love it when you are just nice to us. Give us that little extra attention to make us feel slightly more important than the rest of the mere mortals you call friends.
I'm not saying your friends are not important. But do you really have no idea what makes us happy? Come on. How did you think we became an item in the first place? Its the modern world now it's not like an arranged marriage from centuries ago. Its not like our parents just thought that it is time you get married and decide to lock you in a room with a stranger and just hope that you will learn to love that person.
I want a guy who knows what I want even before I know myself that I wanted it. Am I making sense? So tell me please be honest. What is it about us girls that makes you so confused?
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Ok so I admit I was a very angry person last time. Now I'm just lonely. Its pretty sad really. I miss my friends but no one seems to be looking for me? I guess everyone has their own lives now. Maybe I should occupy my new found freedom with lots of hotties. Hehe like I can find any these days. Anyone has any friends they would like to introduce to me?
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Last Saturday was a pretty interesting night for me.
A night out.
You.
